Monday, March 2, 2009

They say it's your (half) birthday

Ben is 6 months old today. I look at him now and I can't believe how much he's changed since he was born. Six months ago he was this tiny, completely helpless creature who had no idea what was going on. Now he's gigantic and I have this feeling he knows exactly what's going on but he's just playing dumb to lull us into a false sense of security. It's been absolutely amazing to watch him grow and learn. I feel privileged that I get to be around for years and continue watching.

I've changed, too, in the last six months. When Ben was born it was as if a bomb went off in my life and the blocks that I'd been carefully stacking for almost 28 years - family, friends, interests, work, fun - were blown to smithereens. Only one block remained and that was taking care of him. For months that was the only block I saw and the only one that mattered. Then, slowly, slowly, slowly, as I gained more confidence in caring for him, I began to stack blocks again. They're not all the same and they're not in the same order as they were, but I'm rebuilding my life and myself. I'm still not completely sure who I'm becoming, but I'm more comfortable with the idea that I'm not exactly the same person I was.

The last six months have been the craziest of my life. I can't say I don't remember what life was like without Ben, because that's not true. I do remember sleeping in on the weekends, going to movies on the spur of the moment, grocery shopping without it being a huge hassle, eating meals without having to simultaneously jiggle a toy bug in front of someone's face. Honestly, I miss those things. But for the first time I'm beginning to think it's all going to be worth it.

Happy half birthday, Benny. I love you!

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