Bubbloso

I'm not good at being Present. Being In The Moment. I'm always in my head, planning, worrying, thinking about my to-do list. It's a quality that makes me a good organizer, but it doesn't always come in handy as I'm parenting. One of the things people most often say when you have a baby is, "Cherish this time. They won't be this small forever." But most of the mothers (at least first time mothers) I know get too bogged down in the day-to-day exhausting minutia of caring for a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, to really enjoy what's happening right in front of them. I do, at least. Especially in the past few years I've tended to focus on the negative and my brain just gets stuck there.

Well, I knew it was time for a change when I realized that my negativity was starting to annoy me. I was getting sick of my own carousel of thoughts that just went round and round and did nothing for me. So recently I've been trying to make a concerted effort to change my thinking habits. To enjoy fun, happy times as they're happening. Not necessarily documenting them for posterity, but just being joyful in the moment.

Over the weekend we went to a birthday party where the boys each received huge bubble wands. So yesterday afternoon we headed to the backyard to try them out. I wasn't expecting much. Ben usually gets sick of blowing bubbles pretty quickly and Sam just gets mad when I won't let him stick the soap in his mouth. But this time both Ben and Sam were content to let me be the bubble master. As I filled the air with huge bubbles I realized that this was A Moment. I willed myself to mentally put down the to-do list and simply exist with my boys. I listened to Sam erupt into giggles every time a wave of bubbles came for him. I watched Ben stick out his arms and fly through the bubbles as a plane. I gazed at the blue, blue sky and enjoyed the shade of our backyard. I tried really hard to ignore the fact that my hand was getting all sticky from the bubble solution.

Overall, I think I succeeded. Admittedly, I did start writing this blog post in my head before we were even done playing, but I think it helped me take notice of details I might not have otherwise. And admittedly, I got bored with the bubbles long before they did. But I had a lot of fun imagining that what I had wasn't a plastic stick and some soap, but a magic wand creating bubbles out of thin air.

The State of Ben (at 4.5 years)

Ben is discovery. A few weeks ago he was painting while I washed dishes and all of a sudden he exclaimed, "Mom! Come look at this!" I went over and he said, "When I mixed red and yellow it made ORANGE!" He was so in awe and proud of that discovery that it was impossible for me not to share his excitement. He stumbled upon this essential fact of life and he UNDERSTOOD that it was important. It was amazing to witness that moment.

Ben is sweet. A couple months ago we were talking about sign language and I showed Ben the sign for "I love you." So now, randomly, he'll call out, "Mom!" Then he'll show me that sign.

Ben is jealous. Because Ben goes to preschool three days a week I have a fair amount of time alone with Sam and not much time alone with Ben. And since Ben can accomplish most simple tasks on his own I have to help Sam more than him. It's not going unnoticed. There's a certain amount of "You're a big boy and Sam's still little. He can't do things on his own like you can," that calms Ben, but after a while that just doesn't cut it. That's when Ben starts grunting and making noises instead of words and crawling on the floor. I've recently started making more of an effort to have Ben and Mommy time.

Ben is obsessed. I have this habit of becoming obsessed with media. Books, movies, music, games... At one point I've been obsessed with all of them. Ben seems to have inherited that trait, though only for games so far. First it was Angry Birds, then Plants vs. Zombies, then watching Heath play Portal. Now he's OBSESSED with playing Super Mario Brothers Wii. This makes Heath very happy.

Ben is fun. He's finally to an age where we can start doing things fun for kids and adults. Heath has taken him golfing and indoor rock climbing. I've taken him to movies and musicals and the art museum. He can ride some roller coasters and bigger rides. He's almost to an age where we can start playing better board games. I can't wait until all four of us can genuinely enjoy activities together.

Four!

Dear Ben,

We survived! I don't think I've said that since your first birthday, but this year has been rough. Before you turned three I got a little warning from some friends with older kids that three was worse than two, and boy were they right! We've been struggling this year, with independence, with wanting more attention than I can give and with the fact that you want to do so many things, but you just can't do them all yet. Hopefully our level of fighting this year isn't reached again, well EVER, but realistically until you're a teenager. It hasn't all been bad, of course, but I'm committed to showing a realistic picture of parenthood, so I'm not going to only sing your praises just because it's your birthday. :)

You had several big life changes this year. Of course, the biggest was Sam being born. It was a little tough on you at first. For the first couple months you were obviously out of sorts, but overall I'm so impressed with the way you welcomed him into our family. You never took your frustration out on the baby, just on us (which is how it should be). And as Sam's gotten older and more interactive you're having more fun with him. One of the best parts of this year has been listening to you boys laugh together. You love to make Sam laugh and he loves watching you. You're so sweet with him, giving him hugs and kisses and mostly sharing your toys. I can see the very beginnings of sibling rivalry, as Sam becomes more mobile, but I think you guys are going to have a lot of fun, too.

Another big event of the year was going binky free. Daddy and I were a little afraid of this milestone, so we pulled out the big guns: bribery. With your remaining binkies you bought a bike and you never looked back. Once again your ability to roll with big changes blew my mind. Which always makes it so odd when you break down over the littlest things, like who went into the house first.

The last big event, which was probably bigger for me than for you, was going nap free. All summer you've been whittling down the number of naps you take per week and at this point you're down to one or two. On days when we have nothing to do it can be a little maddening for me (since you still won't play by yourself for any length of time), but on busy weekends it's actually kind of nice. So, the good with the bad.

You absolutely loved your first year of preschool and Daddy and I are so excited by that. Every single day when I picked you up from school your teacher said, "Ben's had a great day." We never had a bad report about you and your teacher was always telling us you were a good friend and a good leader in class. I'm so proud of you for that.

Your interests continue to run toward building and reading and just running around. You're an odd mix of Daddy and me, but I guess that's what we were going for! Although I complained about it incessantly, I was a little sad when your obsession with trains waned this year. It had been such a huge part of your life for two and a half years, it's hard to believe it's over. For a while we thought a Lego obsession might manifest, and I still think it will, but it might be a little early. Right now your focus has turned to ANGRY BIRDS. Everything you play becomes some version of Angry Birds: someone's a pig, someone's a red bird, something's a stolen egg. You're very imaginative with it and it's fun to watch.

With three behind us I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. You still throw yourself on the floor in agony every time we tell you to brush your teeth, BUT sometimes when I tell you to get dressed you just... do it. Without a fuss, without a fight. It's amazing. And you're helpful around the house, sometimes without even being asked. Between the tantrums and the deliberate disobedience I can see flashes of you becoming a great kid. And I have hope that there are better years ahead. Maybe even next year!

Happy birthday, Ben. I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Am I already this out of date?

Ben has been using the iPod and other touch screen devices since he was about 18 months old. So now, two years later, he's very good at it. One of his favorite iPad games is Angry Birds. In the game you have to fling birds with a slingshot at pigs in various types of structures. The goal is to knock down all the pigs. It's a good game for him because he has to aim and judge distance and trajectory.

He plays it a lot and this morning we were playing together. I was attempting to pass a level and since I don't play it very much I failed. Ben gently took the iPad from my lap and said, "This one's pretty hard for you, Mom. I can do it."

And the sad thing was, he did.

The Cult of the Helicopter Parent

For anyone not parenting right now, you might not be aware that the expectations for parenting have become much more "hands on." Gone are the days of (as my mother said) throwing your kids out of the house until lunch and then throwing them out of the house again until dinner. It's partly due to fear of kidnapping*, partly due to the fact that a lot of households are two income, so kids are at daycare and partly due to this idea that you should be entertaining/providing "teaching moments" for your kids all the time. I read an article recently that claimed working mothers today spend more time with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the 50's. I don't know if that's actually true, but it seems possible.

At first I bought into all that. Of course, you can't really leave an infant alone very long, but you don't always have to be entertaining him. However, with Ben I pretty much did that. Sometimes I would work around the house with him as my shadow, but usually I'd wait until he was asleep or Heath was home to finish the bulk of my chores. As you can imagine that was both tiring and boring, and it also taught Ben that we'll ALWAYS play with him. So lately I've been trying to do some re-training and teach Ben to play by himself. It hasn't been easy because he's like Heath - he never wants to be alone. Just yesterday he chose to sit in the bathroom and do nothing while I took a shower, rather than play in his room by himself for 10 minutes.

Right now we're in that in-between stage where he's not quite ready to give up his afternoon naps, but sometimes he's not tired enough for one. So on those days we have a rule that if he doesn't nap he has one hour of quiet time in his room. At first it was a disaster. "Quiet time" was really "crying time." Then he stopped the crying, but he would scream and yell and jump on his bed. Now I think we've finally gotten to the point where he understands and is usually fairly good with it. He'll play in his room by himself, but he has yet to make it an entire hour without calling for me or coming out of his room.

I've also been trying to play with him less throughout the day. Even typing that sentence feels so WRONG, like all the other parents are judging me. But considering that I used to play with him ALL DAY LONG, I'm trying to be fine with it. He's pretty content sometimes to play by himself if I'm in the same room. So if I'm doing dishes or cooking he'll color or play Play-Doh at the kitchen table. If I'm folding laundry in the living room, he'll play trains, etc. Most of the time he still expects us to entertain him, but he's getting better. Even extroverts need to learn how to be by themselves sometimes.

I hope I can continue this in my parenting, encouraging independence despite pressure from society or other parents to keep an eye on my kids at all times. We live in a safe neighborhood, with a nice playground two blocks away and Ben's future elementary school just down the street. I feel like he should be able to walk or bike around by himself by third or fourth grade. I just don't know if he'll have any other kids to walk or bike with.


*Seriously. I've talked to a lot of different mothers in the past three and a half years and the vast majority are very reluctant to let their kids out of their sight for any length of time for this reason.

It's raining, it's pouring...

It's been raining a lot in St. Louis lately, which means a lot of time spent indoors. With a very active toddler. In a way it's been okay, because the first trimester of pregnancy wipes you out, so I don't think I would've had the energy to run to the playground all the time, anyway. And though the low physical impact of playing trains is good, the low mental impact is DRIVING ME CRAZY. Ben's been watching a wee bit more TV than usual lately. And the rumors of me falling asleep during an episode of Dinosaur Train are greatly exaggerated. (No they're not.)

There's some hope on the horizon, though. I'm nearing the 12 week mark of my pregnancy, which means hopefully sometime in the next few weeks my energy level will start to creep back up and we can dive into summer fun. And only four of the next ten days show rain on weather.com!

Never leave a man behind... unless he's covered in someone else's urine

Ben's interest in trains has suddenly sky rocketed. It had been waning for a while, which made me regret his Christmas present - a huge train table that takes up half our living room. But all of a sudden last week he decided that the only thing he wants to do (besides eat mac & cheese and ride his tricycle to the park) is play trains. Fine with me. Most of the time he doesn't want me to participate so I can sometimes slip away and read or do dishes for a few minutes before he notices I'm gone. Then he comes looking for me saying, "Mommy, come play trains with me." But what that really means is, "Mommy, come sit on the couch and watch me play trains. No, you can't check Twitter on your phone or even put your feet up on the couch. Just sit and watch."

This means that various trains have been accompanying us around town. Well, last week we went to McDonald's and I had to change Ben's diaper before we ate. The changing table was in the handicapped stall and the previous occupant had decided against flushing the toilet. Why waste the energy, right? While I got ready, Ben wandered over to the toilet and before I could stop him, he threw Thomas in. I have no idea what would possess him to do that, but I grabbed Henry out of his other hand, before he fell victim to the same fate.

When we're at the playground with the trains I keep a close eye on them. Those suckers are expensive and we've already lost a couple. However, I could not bring myself to stick my hand into an un-flushed public toilet to rescue Thomas. Not happening.

On the bright side, Ben didn't even seem to care much that we left the train. We did have two other Thomases at home. It must've been fairly confusing for the next person in the bathroom, though.

Junior conductor

This is how we spend our days. Constructing, navigating, destroying.

Molding

 I'm sure there are times when every parent feels like he or she just isn't doing a very good job. Especially being a stay-at-home mom, I feel like I need to be creating a stimulating environment for Ben to learn and grow all the time, but it's just not possible. Sometimes dinner has to be cooked and the laundry has to be done and Ben sits in front of the TV by himself. Though I question the idea that TV is no good, because Ben isn't even 2 and he knows a lot of the alphabet partially from watching shows. But I digress...

I have a lot of those days lamenting the time lost because kids this age are such sponges and I could be teaching him calculus or French (if I knew calculus or French). However, occasionally I have days when I feel like Super Mom. Usually they coincide with days Ben's being agreeable and I'm not on my period. Yesterday was such a day, and we spent about 30 minutes playing with his 2-piece puzzles. The object is to match the item with its color, texture or pattern. Here are Ben's matches:

There are so many days when I feel completely distracted and even though Ben and I spend the entire day together, I don't feel like we really spend time together. It's wonderful when we find an activity that's fun for both of us and I can feel like raising a kind, intelligent, thoughtful, polite, curious child isn't the impossible task it sometimes seems.

Metamorphosis

What at first was merely a tunnel to crawl through has become a springboard for bigger things.

A ramp for cars to race. A cannon to expel nosy cats.

A place for imagination to grow.

It's like Sisyphus, but with plastic chairs

Sometimes Ben gets into these frenzies, where he becomes super concentrated on one weird task. Like the pajama rituals. Well, this weekend he became fixated on his plastic table and chair set. He was obsessed with putting all three chairs on the table, even though it was impossible. So he'd stack two, but then the third one would inevitably push another one off the table, so it began all over again. Heath and I watched him do it for at least 20 minutes and he didn't even seem to notice we were there. He was too focused on the goal.

Strong!

Building worlds

Love hurts

Spring has definitely arrived in St. Louis, so on Monday Ben and I joined some playgroup members at a park. He was slowly making his way up the steps of some playground equipment and had stopped for a break on a landing when Alyssa ran up the two steps and gave him a hug. Then another. And another. Ben looked completely confused. He has no idea he's the ladies' man of the group. It's the red hair.

Somewhere around the fourth hug they became unsteady and in slow motion they tumbled down the steps onto the ground. They landed on soft padding, so neither of them was hurt, but they both freaked out. Alyssa had the raw end of the deal because Ben landed on top of her. (Though she's nine months older, I'm sure Ben weighs more.) Once they stopped screaming and the fall was all but forgotten Alyssa tried to hug Ben again. That time he ran away.

Run, Forrest, run!

We've been in a playgroup since Ben was about 2 months old. All the kids are between 1 and 2 years old now and it's been so fun watching them grow up together. Only recently have they started to actually play together, though. Until now their fellow playgroup members have merely been obstacles to crawl over, or people to steal toys from.

Currently Ben's favorite game is Chase. At home he wants Heath or me to chase him, but at playgroup he likes being the chaser. Last Tuesday we visited a bakery called yummy & co. which has a playroom with tons of toys and makes delicious cupcakes to boot. They were extremely tolerant of the kids running around and I can't hype them enough, so if you're near the St. Louis area check them out!*

Anyway, while there Ben started chasing one of the other kids, Joey. He and Joey were running back and forth across the store giggling like crazy. Ben never tires of that game, but occasionally Joey would stop and take a break. However, then Ben would come up and nudge Joey's arm a little, like,"Come on dude, keep running!" It was completely adorable.


*I was in no way compensated for that endorsement. I paid for all my cupcakes! :)

Hopefully he'll be cooking me dinner soon

The pajama rituals

Last month I posted about Ben's love of playing with his pajamas. Well, he's taken it to a new level. First of all, the play sessions are getting longer. I've seen him entertained by his pajamas for 30-40 minutes. Second, he's incorporating more pairs. Now he gets out three or four at a time.

However, the ultimate was last week. He had three pairs out and was playing with them like usual. Then he piled them all in the middle of the room. He gathered a few toys and placed them around the pile. Finally he ran around them in a circle a few times. I was expecting a portal to open up and suck us into another world!

Wave of the future, wave of the future, wave of the future...

I remember when I was younger sitting down at the computer to write and popping in a CD before I started. I'd hear the notes of the first song and then seemingly only minutes would go by and I'd hear the CD end. I was concentrating so intensely I didn't even hear the music.

Heath told me a similar story about himself. In elementary school his class went down to the library. He picked out his book and then sat down to read while waiting for everyone else. Some time later he looked up and the library was deserted. He walked back to class, where the teacher informed him they'd called his name and even touched him to get his attention, but he never noticed.

Given that, it's no surprise to me that Ben has inherited the same type of focus. Sure, sometimes he has the attention span of a gnat, but other times he concentrates so strongly it's amazing. He has a small, plastic train that came with several Little People figures, a tiger, giraffe and zookeeper. I've seen him play with that train and those figures for up to an hour and all he does is put the tiger in one car, put the giraffe in another and put the zookeeper in the smoke stack. Then he looks at them for a second and he moves them around to different spots. For an hour. An hour in toddler time is like a day in adult time (and often it feels like a day to me).

He's also incredibly meticulous. Lately a lot of his playing has involved lining up toys or arranging them in a specific way. One day I found that he'd taken Heath's and my sneakers and put them all in a very straight line. They were so neat I couldn't believe he'd done it, aside from the fact that they were lined up on a dining room chair. That's not normally where we leave our sneakers.

Fears about having an OCD child aside, it's exciting to finally start seeing some of my traits shine through Ben. Heath and I feel like we're on the edge of OCD ourselves, anyway. I wonder if you can buy family packs of Prozac at Sam's?

I want to remember this forever

We have two large trees in our small-to-medium sized backyard, so at this time of year it's always blanketed with leaves. Monday afternoon I took Ben outside because we don't utilize our backyard enough (ahem-it's never mowed-ahem). He's sometimes reluctant to walk in grass, but after kicking and throwing some leaves I was able to coax him in. We played for a while, burying each other and tossing leaves into the air, and then I laid back on the grass, looking through the branches to the clear, blue sky above. Ben was off investigating some bushes near the porch, but when he noticed me he made a noise which I understood to mean, "What are you doing, Mommy?"

"I'm looking at the sky and the clouds. Come here!"

He grinned at me and toddled over. But instead of laying on the grass beside me he leaned down, put his head on my chest and gave me a hug.

I've never had more fun playing in leaves.

On the eve of our first kid birthday party

We are furiously preparing for Ben's party tomorrow. The house is now presentable and lots of food has been procured. Presents have been wrapped and there are balloons floating in the laundry room (protected from both toddlers and felines). I forgot about them and then they scared the crap out of me when I opened the door. Good thing Ben's not old enough to remember that, because I'm sure I'd never hear the end of it. Tonight I have to bake the cakes and then we're pretty much ready.

Wednesday we had a good day. Unfortunately Heath had caught a bad cold, so he was down for the count. It's good Ben won't remember that, either, but I know Heath felt pretty badly about it. However, we made the best of the day and headed to the Botanical Garden with a few playgroup friends. We saw koi and then we played in the children's garden. They have a splash area and Ben had a great time in the water.

Meet the Designer

Remember my post about Baby Chic? Here's the designer at work:

Surveying the top shelf of the changing table and contemplating his next move.

Interesting choice to knock over the diaper can, but who can question a master?

A nice touch to pull clothes out of the hamper.

Patiently ruminating on the perfect placement of dirty shorts.

Moving on to the book shelf.

Obviously those stuffed animals are much too high.