Hope

Today, while reading an article about a New Yorker's experience on September 11, 2001, the thought struck me: Will Ben learn about 9/11 today? Do they talk about it with kindergartners?

We've never told him, because there's never been a reason. We weren't personally affected by it and it's not exactly a conversation you have with a 3 year old.

But it got me thinking... Ben lives in a pretty nice world right now. He lives in a world without 9/11 and assassinations and Nazis and slavery and all the other atrocities committed throughout human history. But he's going to learn about those things, and probably very soon. If not this year then maybe next. And I want him to learn about them, and think critically about them and become a knowledgeable human being... But... It's just hard imagining my children learning about those things.

Ben's not nearly as sensitive to stimuli as I am, but I remember in 8th grade when we did a whole unit on WWII it was pretty emotional for me. I couldn't - and still can't, really - believe that people would do such unthinkable things for, what? Power? It makes absolutely NO sense to me. And the idea of my children feeling that hurt for people who died long ago... Well, I was going to say I didn't want them to feel that pain, but maybe I do. I want them to be empathetic people, but unfortunately that does mean taking on a lot of pain that's not directly your own.

There are hard conversations in our parenting future and while I don't love the idea of my childrens' innocence being shattered by the reality of how horrible people can be, I do relish the idea that I get to explain how we can be better than that.

Six in the books

Dear Ben,

This past year wasn't one of our best. You and I clashed a lot. I think I've yelled more in the past year than all my other years of parenting combined. Really, I think it was the alchemy of you, Sam and me together all the time. I didn't get enough time to myself to recharge, you didn't get enough social time, neither you nor Sam got enough of my attention. Everywhere you looked nobody was getting enough of what they needed and everyone was grumpy because of that. Luckily, our savior arrived in the form of Kindergarten. These past few weeks have been wonderful. You get plenty of social time at school, I get plenty of alone time while Sam naps and we're all much happier when we come back together. We get the chance to MISS each other. It's a very strange feeling, missing you. We've spent most of the last six years together. But missing you makes the times we are together all the more sweet. I look forward to picking you up from school and hearing about your day (what I can get out of you, playing 20 questions). Our conversations are getting more interesting as your mind and world expands. And it's just more fun being together. As you get older you'll realize that even the best relationships need some air, and Kindergarten is just about perfect for us.

One of the best things about this year was COUSINS! Taylor and Beckham were born only a few months apart. You're not overly interested in them yet, as they can't keep up with you, but when you do turn your attention to them you're extremely sweet, doling out hugs and kisses. Avery, on the other hand, is becoming a more worthy sparring companion everyday. She runs and jumps and climbs and swings right along with you. And hearing your duet of the Frozen soundtrack in the back of the van was one of the highlights of my year. It makes me so happy that you get to grow up around cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. That is one of the greatest gifts I can give you.

This year brought a couple of big milestones. You took swim lessons all winter and by the time the pool opened on Memorial Day you could SWIM. Like, for real swim. You even passed your swim test and can now jump off the diving board! I'm so proud of your accomplishment, but even better was seeing you proud of yourself. Your other big milestone was riding on a plane all by yourself! You went to visit Oma and Opa in Phoenix. You're becoming so independent and capable.

You completed your last year of preschool in May. You and Ms. Dee Dee formed a tight bond of silliness and energy. She's the first teacher I think you really connected with and it was fun to watch that. I hope you have many more teachers who inspire you like she did. You also played your first year of baseball, with Daddy as the coach! You've been a natural athlete since you were two years old, so I think you're going to enjoy many more years of playing.

Even though we butted heads a lot this year, in between our yelling and crying I could see you maturing. You're emerging from baby/toddler/preschool-hood and becoming someone who can use logic and have patience and be helpful without even being asked (or not throw a fit when you are asked). Even though you've realized you can use your influence with Sam for evil (i.e. telling him to throw toys or make messes or cause chaos), sometimes you use it for good. You encourage him to eat his unwanted food, or help him in the bathroom or put on his shoes. As always, watching your and Sam's relationship develop is a joy of my life.

It's getting FUN to hang out with you. Like, actual fun, not just kiddie fun. We can all go to movies together now. You and I have gone to the Muny and the symphony and to paint pottery and we even went to Six Flags by ourselves once. You can ride rides that are fun for me, too! And we're moving on to chapter books! All summer we spent our afternoons reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (at which you laughed and laughed), Mathilda, Freckle Juice, The Phantom Tollbooth and just last week we started Harry Potter. Harry Potter! One of my favorite book series! It's so exciting to be able to share my favorite things with you.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how Kindergarten molds and shapes you. This year is going to be fun!

I love your pickles and fries,
Mommy

Welcome to Avery Kindergarten!

Ben started kindergarten almost two weeks ago and so far it's been amazing. I assumed he'd enjoy it, especially once we found out his best friend and another friend from the neighborhood were in his class. I also assumed the transition would be a little bumpy. He's never done a full-day program before, so I was expecting him to be a tired, grumpy mess when he got home from school. However, I've been very pleasantly surprised. Completely unexpectedly, his attitude actually seems to have gotten better. Over the summer there was lots of fighting with Sam and whining and throwing tantrums (yes, even 5 year olds have tantrums now and again), but now that he's in school he's playing nicer with his brother and being fairly cooperative. Nobody's perfect, so of course he still has Moments, but overall he's been very pleasant.

It was a bit baffling to me at first, but when I started thinking about it I realized that he probably just wasn't getting enough extrovert time. Over the summer we were subject to Sam's naps, which meant he spent most afternoons with only me. And by the afternoon I was jonesin' for some introvert time, so more often than not he spent afternoons playing video games by himself. Going to school and being surrounded by classmates for seven hours a day must be like a breath of fresh air for him.

The idea that being in school restores him is ALSO baffling to me, but I'm so glad for it because it allows me to restore, as well. And I think that's the other piece of the puzzle. While Ben gets his extrovert tank filled at school, I get my introvert tank filled at home while Sam naps. So when we finally come back together at 3pm we're both feeling happier and more content, which obviously leads to a more peaceful co-existence. It's lovely.

Another lovely side effect of kindergarten is that it seems to have... opened up his brain. Since about age 4 he's been pretty resistant to us teaching him anything, like reading, math, etc. But now he doesn't seem as annoyed when Heath asks him math questions or I ask him to read something. And the other morning over breakfast he and I had a GREAT conversation. It started with him asking about ice ages and over about 10 minutes it morphed into talking about climate change, the origins of humans, evolution and why people have different skin colors. It was the best conversation we've ever had and it was truly a give and take. It wasn't just me lecturing him. It was amazing and three weeks ago I never would've imagined it.

So Ben is definitely flourishing in school and it's hard for me to express in words how wonderful it is to watch. It fills my heart to see him maturing and growing into the person he will be. It's absolutely amazing.

Alone time with Sam

This week Ben's in YMCA day camp. It's Art 101, but they also do a lot of traditional camp activities, like swimming, singing and games. He's gone to day camp before, but this year he's going all day, from 8:30am-3:30pm, roughly school hours come August. I think this is the longest amount of time Sam and I have spent together, alone, ever. And I have to say, it's been a delight.

For months now our lives have revolved around the Terrible Twos. Sam has been very whiny and tantrum-y and all listening skills seem to have gone out the window. Unfortunately, Ben's also realized the power he holds over Sam. Sometimes he uses that power for good, encouraging Sam to finish his meals or brush his teeth. But more and more lately he's been drifting to the evil side, merely "suggesting" Sam throw his food or spit at someone. It's been incredibly frustrating and I've found myself yelling more and more, but feeling like I've been accomplishing less and less.

At the beginning of summer I always have these rose-colored glasses, tricking myself into believing we're going to have a fun, sun-soaked summer lounging at the pool and flitting from playground, to outdoor concert, to food truck event. And it never quite works out that way. So even though we'd only had two weeks of summer, I was very ready for Ben to be in camp this week. I needed my quiet afternoons back.

Getting to spend time with Sam alone has been a benefit of camp. He's been so much more pleasant and I think it's because I can actually give him some focused attention. He's never really had that. We can do activities on a two year old level, instead of me having to find something that will entertain a two year old AND a five year old. I get to listen to what he says without someone else talking over my shoulder. He gets to choose all the games and the TV shows and activities, which is completely novel to him. It's been a good week, and I'm looking forward to Ben's next week of camp, in July.

That being said, all day every day Sam's been asking about when we're going to pick up Ben. He's never really known life without Ben for long stretches. The transition to kindergarten might be hard on him, too.

Kindergarten Jitters

This is Ben's last week of preschool. Ever. In three short months he'll be a full-fledged kindergartener. The school district does a really good job of preparing the kids AND the parents for the transition to kindergarten, with lots of information sessions, chances to ask questions, tours of the school, etc. So far Ben has been nothing but excited, expressing no concerns or nervousness. When I inquired if he'd asked his friend in kindergarten any questions about it he said, "No, I want to find out what it's like for myself."

I, on the other hand, must be more nervous than even I realized because I've started having stress dreams about it. In them we're always late for school or Ben doesn't have anything he needs or we don't know where to go. This is a very typical reaction for me during times of change, stressing out about something MONTHS before it happens.

I shouldn't be surprised. Ben and I have a long history of him being perfectly calm about changes in his life and me freaking out for no good reason. But this time it did surprise me. I thought I was (somewhat) past getting THIS worked up about a change in HIS life. After all, it's not like he's 1 year old and I'm taking his bottle away. He's going to be 6, starting school, and really beginning the time when his life is his story to tell, not mine. I suppose that's the obvious root of the anxiety.

As if he sensed my uneasiness in the air, on Monday I found Sam ripping apart the "All About Me" poster Ben had made in preschool last year. Of course, he's two and he was just having fun ripping some paper, but only having woken up from a kindergarten stress dream an hour earlier, it seemed so heart-wrenchingly significant to me. Babyhood, toddlerhood and now even preschool are all behind us. Ahead are great things and I cannot wait to see how Ben flourishes in school, because I know he will. But at this moment it just feels like I'm losing my baby.

Happiness is...

...hearing Ben say, "Sam, I'm going to miss you while I'm at school!" after signing him up for kindergarten.

Growing up

Ben is growing up. Kindergarten registration starts next week. On one hand I'm very ready for him to go to school. As I've mentioned before, Ben and I are very different, and I think more time away will help us appreciate each other more. And Ben is totally ready, too. He loves school and he's so excited. I think he needs more social interaction than I'm providing, so school is going to be perfect for that.

On the other hand... it's that "my baby's going to kindergarten" thing. He won't actually start until August, but signing him up is the first step in putting him on that conveyor belt that will eventually take him away from me. It makes my heart hurt a little.

He's been maturing. Sometimes we can have actually interesting conversations. Most of our conversations are about Super Mario Brothers, which he finds endlessly fascinating and me not so much, but occasionally he'll ask what things mean or how things work and when I explain he actually GETS IT. That's fun.

He can also be a big help with Sam. At dinner last Sunday Sam didn't want to eat any more of his hot dog. Heath and I both tried to no avail. So Ben grabbed the fork, pretended it was a train and got Sam to eat!

And now that we've entered a tantrum-y phase with Sam, Ben seems to have sensed that I can't handle two kids who are acting up. So he's been more obedient and helpful lately, which is AWESOME. Especially because he's getting big enough to do actual helpful things. He can get a snack for himself and Sam, he can pour milk, he can wash his own hands, dress himself, brush his own teeth. It's really neat to watch him become more independent, and to see his pride when he accomplishes something all by himself. He's been practicing tying his shoes and though he's not quite there yet, he's been getting better and it makes me proud to see him keeping at it, even when it's frustrating.

School age is the time I've been looking forward to since Ben was born. They're independent and can handle most self care on their own, but they're not so old that they don't want to hang out with you. I'm sure there will still be hurdles and plenty of frustrations, but I'm hoping it's going to be more fun and enjoyable than the baby/toddler stage.

Dinner... the final frontier...

I would never claim that Ben is a hugely picky eater, because I know some of those kids, but he's pretty bad. However, I make what I want for dinner and he has to deal with it. So Thursday night I made chicken tikka masala, never believing in my wildest dreams that Ben would eat it. I even kept some plain chicken out of the sauce for him. We always make him at least try what we're eating, but I never thought we'd get past that first bite. The first clue that something weird was happening was that he tried the chicken in the sauce without complaining. And he didn't make faces or say, "Blech!" He ate the bite and then I - to me, jokingly - asked if he wanted more. He said yes... AND THEN HE ATE IT. Without complaining. He said he liked it. He even ate some of his rice, which he NEVER eats. We didn't even USE the plain chicken, because as soon as Sam saw Ben eating the chicken in the sauce, HE ate it, too! Both of my children ate Indian food. It is truly a day for the record books.

From the above paragraph you can probably imagine what our dinners are normally like. Unless I serve spaghetti or pizza it's basically Heath and me trying to hold a decent conversation in between exclamations of horror at what's being served, whining, gross out noises and Heath saying, "You need to eat 5 more bites." It's so exhausting. Dinner is usually quite unpleasant for me. So to have a dinner go that smoothly is such a breath of fresh air. I want to remember it and hope. Maybe I can get him to eat stir fry!

Pushing through

I'm feeling melancholy today. I think Ben turning 5 has affected me more than I thought it would. For some reason 5 must be a threshold in my mind. Even though Ben won't be in elementary school for another year, I feel like he's starting to float away from me. I also think about the fact that I read somewhere that kids' brains are like sponges until age 5. They soak up everything. And I just hope we exposed him to enough good things to soak up.

He's getting so big. Not just physically, but mentally. Sometimes the connections he makes and the insights he has astound me. "Where did he learn that?" I think. And then I realize he didn't learn it. He just thought it up. And that's so awesome, but today it's making me have a real "Where is the time going? It's happening way too fast" moment.

Sometimes I'll watch one of the kids as he's doing something really funny or very This Age. I'll try to memorize the lines of his body, the cadence of his laugh, the tilt of his head so I'll never forget it. But I know I will. I try to remember what Ben was like at Sam's age and it's hard. Hard to remember him then and hard to imagine him in the future.

So I take pictures and videos and try to post the funny moments on my blog so I can remember. I'm also trying very hard to live in the moment. But right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the task of Raising Good Human Beings. There are so many things to think about: good nutrition, teaching values, setting limits but not being too strict, not "being their friend" but still having fun with them, not spoiling, learning colors and letters and reading and chemistry, instilling gratitude and manners and helping them to appreciate art and science and beauty and life. It's so much. Sometimes I take it all in stride and I know that little by little, day by day, through my actions and words my kids will learn what I want them to learn. But right now it seems like an impossible task and there's a part of me that thinks I squandered those sponge-brain years with Ben and I'm definitely squandering them with Sam.

Well, I've just got to push through. One of the exhausting but sometimes liberating facts of parenthood is that it just keeps going, whether you're ready or overwhelmed or not.

Dear Ben,

This year, your fifth, has been an emotional roller coaster. In contrast to your fourth year, when everyday was up and down, up and down, this year the ups and downs have been in weeks. So for a few weeks you'd be the best kid I could imagine. Kind, helpful, funny, creative, thoughtful, mature, obedient. I'd feel like the best mother. And then it would switch and suddenly for a few weeks you were beastly: Yelling, slamming doors, refusing to listen. Those weeks were tough. The good news is that you generally save that behavior for Dad and me. At school, with babysitters, with family you're well behaved and respectful. Only one time in two years of school have you gotten a bad report and your teacher was SO SURPRISED.

The most exciting thing from this past year is that you're learning to read and write at an amazing clip. Just a couple weeks ago you made a card for a friend's birthday and you sounded out "Happy Birthday" almost all by yourself. I'm in awe of your curiosity and voracious need to learn new things. Both will serve you so well in the years to come.

One of the most fun things about your emerging personality is that you're definitely picking up on Dad's and my geekiness. Video games are a favorite of yours. You love making up stories about zombies and dragons. You even wore your wizard hat to the Renaissance Faire. At first it freaked you out a little that people kept talking to you, but after a while when someone would say, "Are you a wizard?" you'd proudly say yes. And when Dad and I brought you home Catan Jr. from Gen Con, you have no idea how excited and proud we were by how quickly you picked up the game.

The biggest milestone this year (to me) was your first Weird Al concert. I was so excited, but at first I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision, taking you so young. It started close to bed time and you seemed tired. When Al came out on stage you just seemed perplexed by all the lights and how loud it was. You said you'd had fun, but I wasn't so sure. However, the very next day you started asking for your iPod to listen to Weird Al. And now all you ever request in the car is Weird Al. And when we hear original songs in public you say, "This is Weird Al!" So even though you have absolutely no context for the jokes or parodies, I've succeeded in making you a Weird Al fan.

The most poignant milestone this year was taking the training wheels off your bike. It just seems to completely symbolize you growing up. Now you have your own transportation and you can (almost) completely balance yourself on your own. It's scary and thrilling to have you becoming more independent. It makes my heart ache a little, but it's also what's supposed to happen.

You're getting to the sweet spot of childhood. Those handful of years where you're old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient, you can do stuff that's fun for us and you still want to hang out with the family. In a couple more years Sam will be in the sweet spot with you and I think the four of us are going to have a lot of fun. I'm so looking forward to the next half-dozen years with you. You're turning into someone I genuinely want to hang out with and I'm so proud to be your mother.

Happy birthday, Ben!

I love you,
Mom

My turn

In Ben, Heath has a mini-me. Their personalities and the way they think are pretty much the same. I've often been envious of that, but it does mean that when Ben does something annoying that I just know Heath would've done as a kid I get to say, "This is YOUR fault." :)

Well, Heath will probably get to turn the tables in the next few years, because since turning one, Sam has revealed that he's a lot like me. He's sensitive. If another kid is crying, even someone he doesn't know, he seems concerned and will even go over and try to help. It's especially evident if Ben's upset.

Sam definitely seems more introverted than Ben or Heath. He can entertain himself and he seems content on his own for a while. My patented method of getting Ben to come with me, which basically just involves me leaving the room, doesn't work as well with Sam. Sometimes he'll come running after, but sometimes he's just like, "Whatever. I wanted some privacy anyway."

It's interesting to watch how Sam changes depending on who's home. If Heath and Ben are there he runs around like a crazy person, wanting to keep up with them. But if it's just the two of us he's much calmer and quieter and more likely to focus on something.

It's exciting to think of having a kid more like me. I love Ben dearly and am amazed by the things he says and does, but our personalities clash in a lot of ways and it's very hard for me to deal with the constant talking. Just like Heath, he brings things into my life that I never would've done or seen on my own, but it'll be wonderful to have a child with whom I can just share comfortable silence.

Bubbloso

I'm not good at being Present. Being In The Moment. I'm always in my head, planning, worrying, thinking about my to-do list. It's a quality that makes me a good organizer, but it doesn't always come in handy as I'm parenting. One of the things people most often say when you have a baby is, "Cherish this time. They won't be this small forever." But most of the mothers (at least first time mothers) I know get too bogged down in the day-to-day exhausting minutia of caring for a baby, a toddler, a preschooler, to really enjoy what's happening right in front of them. I do, at least. Especially in the past few years I've tended to focus on the negative and my brain just gets stuck there.

Well, I knew it was time for a change when I realized that my negativity was starting to annoy me. I was getting sick of my own carousel of thoughts that just went round and round and did nothing for me. So recently I've been trying to make a concerted effort to change my thinking habits. To enjoy fun, happy times as they're happening. Not necessarily documenting them for posterity, but just being joyful in the moment.

Over the weekend we went to a birthday party where the boys each received huge bubble wands. So yesterday afternoon we headed to the backyard to try them out. I wasn't expecting much. Ben usually gets sick of blowing bubbles pretty quickly and Sam just gets mad when I won't let him stick the soap in his mouth. But this time both Ben and Sam were content to let me be the bubble master. As I filled the air with huge bubbles I realized that this was A Moment. I willed myself to mentally put down the to-do list and simply exist with my boys. I listened to Sam erupt into giggles every time a wave of bubbles came for him. I watched Ben stick out his arms and fly through the bubbles as a plane. I gazed at the blue, blue sky and enjoyed the shade of our backyard. I tried really hard to ignore the fact that my hand was getting all sticky from the bubble solution.

Overall, I think I succeeded. Admittedly, I did start writing this blog post in my head before we were even done playing, but I think it helped me take notice of details I might not have otherwise. And admittedly, I got bored with the bubbles long before they did. But I had a lot of fun imagining that what I had wasn't a plastic stick and some soap, but a magic wand creating bubbles out of thin air.

Samwise

Every day Sam is becoming more like a little kid and less like a baby. He's still not exactly speaking words, but he understands most of what we say and is getting better at communicating.

We've gotten into a violent stage with Sam. He hits people and throws things A LOT. It's very frustrating because I have to be an almost constant mediator between him and Ben. The hitting is really hard for Ben to take because he knows he's not supposed to hit Sam, but Sam keeps hitting him. Of course I scold Sam and try to remove him from the situation, but at this age there's still no real way to punish him that he'll understand. I can put him in his room by himself, but he won't be able to connect that to hitting Ben, so it's pointless.

However, when Sam's NOT hitting Ben they're starting to really play together. Sam's getting faster, so Chase is more exciting. And they wrestle. And bounce on Ben's bed. And dance. There are times when I might get 10 minutes of them playing together nicely and not constantly bugging me to play. After four and a half years of ALWAYS being bugged to play, 10 minutes seems pretty nice. Not nice enough, but it's a start.

Sam's starting to be able to feed himself with utensils, which is messy but awesome. Just another step on that road toward not having to watch him every second of the day. And though he doesn't eat a lot, his palate is starting to open up a little. For a while the only fruit he would eat was bananas and applesauce. In the last couple weeks he's started eating blueberries again and I also got him to eat raspberries and grapes! Trust me, it's very exciting.

Sam LOVES to play outside. I think he'd stay out there all day if I let him. He also loves animals, especially dogs and always notices a dog barking, even in the distance. Whenever he sees our cats he lets out this SCREECH of joy. It's pretty cute.

Next week Sam will be 18 months old. A year and a half. I don't think of Sam as being as old as I thought of Ben at this age, if that makes sense. Compared to Ben now, Sam still seems like a baby, but on those mornings when it's just us I can see him more clearly and realize just how much he can do. He's climbing on playground equipment by himself. He's getting better and better on the stairs. And now sometimes he's wanting to walk through parking lots, instead of being carried. Little boy is growing up and in October he'll have a new baby cousin and it'll be that much more apparent how old he is.

Reading Rainbow

Ben is starting to read! It's really amazing to watch because we haven't been pushing him to read. We've taught him the letter sounds and how to sound out words, but it's mostly coming from him. He's asking to learn all these things and he's figuring it out on his own, too. Recently we walked past a pizza restaurant and Ben said, "Pizza!" Immediately I started scanning the windows for a picture of pizza, but there wasn't one. Other than the word, there was no indication that it was a pizza restaurant. He freaking read it! I'm guessing he had seen the word previously and memorized it and didn't sound it out on the spot, but that's a big part of reading, especially in English. He's using context clues, too, because he reads "open" on store windows a lot. These are all great skills and though I know he's smart, I'm still surprised he's learning them so young.

Reading is the most important thing Ben will learn and since I love reading it's very exciting to me that's he's so enthusiastic about it. Once he can read, the entire world will be open to him... But it's also terrifying because the entire world will be open to him. He'll be able to read anything, whether I want him to or not. And of course that's part of growing up... It's just a big leap forward.

He's only four and a half and barely reading, but you know me. I like to worry about things in the future that I can't change. I just wonder how I'm going to handle situations like this: We were at the mall and passed one of those kiosks selling stuff and they had a row of belts that all said, "I (heart) boobies." Ben asked what it said and I just mumbled something about it being silly. A year from now he'll probably be able to read it himself, but he won't really know what it means so he'll ask me. I'll want to explain how it's disrespectful to women, but will he really understand? I guess it doesn't matter. I should just prepare myself for lots of awkward conversations.

Guilt

As a parent, guilt is an emotion you have to get up close and personal with. Even as a stay-at-home mom I experience guilt. But it's hard not to when the Ideal Parent these days is fun! and engaging and always finds those "teachable moments" while never raising their voice and taking the kids on exciting field trips and packing nutritious lunches with no added sugar and doing crafts and baking projects all while creating amazing dinners and decorating the baby's nursery with cute items found antiquing. There's no room in there for frustration or drive-thru McDonald's or wanting time for yourself.

The biggest guilt-inducer for me is Having Two Kids. When it was only Ben and me I could focus on him and I felt like we really connected. For the past 16 months my attention has always been divided and I feel like I'm not really seeing either kid. I'm half listening to Ben chatter while I try to coax Sam to eat something. I'm saying, "I'll read that to you in a minute, Sam," as I help Ben kill goombas and turtles in Mario Brothers. Even though we're together almost ALL THE TIME, I don't feel like I have enough time for either of them. With Sam it's a little better, because Ben's at school three mornings a week, so we have that time, but there's almost no time when it's just Ben and me. After Ben's quiet time Sam is usually still napping, so that would be  the perfect time for us to have... But honestly by mid-afternoon I'm wiped and I hate to admit it, but more often than not Ben spends that time playing video games or watching TV, so I can have some peace and relative quiet.

The other big guilt-fest is that Sam isn't having the same kind of very early childhood that Ben did. When Ben was a toddler he didn't have sugar until after he was one, he had age-appropriate, educational toys everywhere he looked and he never really watched TV until he was a year and a half and even then it was only PBS, strictly 30-60 minutes per day, no more! Ben had my full attention and we went out to new and different places almost every day.

Sam's been watching SpongeBob SquarePants since before he could crawl, he had cake and ice cream and french fries, all way before his first birthday and right now one of his favorite things is to carry around the Nerf gun and have you shoot darts at the window for him.

He and Ben were born into different circumstances and they're not the same person and they don't need to be treated the same way, necessarily, either. But it's hard not to think that I'm disadvantaging Sam somehow by not providing him the same things Ben had. But I can't provide him a first-child existence, so I should just stop worrying about it, right? Well, I'll let you know how that goes.

Quotable Ben

When asked how school was, Ben replied,


"Thomas and I were on the playground talking about how everyone's stupid except the boys."

Pictures

 I love the look on his face.

At the Magic House for Noontime New Year's Eve. 

We all promptly got the stomach flu after this. Happy New Year!

 One stop on our trip to Phoenix.

 At the ghost town near Phoenix.

He stayed outside in the snow fewer than five minutes. 

Not a fan of being cold.

The State of Ben (at 4.5 years)

Ben is discovery. A few weeks ago he was painting while I washed dishes and all of a sudden he exclaimed, "Mom! Come look at this!" I went over and he said, "When I mixed red and yellow it made ORANGE!" He was so in awe and proud of that discovery that it was impossible for me not to share his excitement. He stumbled upon this essential fact of life and he UNDERSTOOD that it was important. It was amazing to witness that moment.

Ben is sweet. A couple months ago we were talking about sign language and I showed Ben the sign for "I love you." So now, randomly, he'll call out, "Mom!" Then he'll show me that sign.

Ben is jealous. Because Ben goes to preschool three days a week I have a fair amount of time alone with Sam and not much time alone with Ben. And since Ben can accomplish most simple tasks on his own I have to help Sam more than him. It's not going unnoticed. There's a certain amount of "You're a big boy and Sam's still little. He can't do things on his own like you can," that calms Ben, but after a while that just doesn't cut it. That's when Ben starts grunting and making noises instead of words and crawling on the floor. I've recently started making more of an effort to have Ben and Mommy time.

Ben is obsessed. I have this habit of becoming obsessed with media. Books, movies, music, games... At one point I've been obsessed with all of them. Ben seems to have inherited that trait, though only for games so far. First it was Angry Birds, then Plants vs. Zombies, then watching Heath play Portal. Now he's OBSESSED with playing Super Mario Brothers Wii. This makes Heath very happy.

Ben is fun. He's finally to an age where we can start doing things fun for kids and adults. Heath has taken him golfing and indoor rock climbing. I've taken him to movies and musicals and the art museum. He can ride some roller coasters and bigger rides. He's almost to an age where we can start playing better board games. I can't wait until all four of us can genuinely enjoy activities together.

Christmas Pictures (Yes, I realize it's late February)

I knew Sam would freak out, so I didn't even try.

He wears this shirt constantly. 

I hope he's always so excited when I buy him shoes. 

The State of Sam (at 15 months)

Height: 32.5 in. - 95th percentile
Weight: 26 lbs. 8 oz. - 95th percentile
Head circumference: 47.5 cm - 75th percentile

Sam is all floaty blond hair and blue-gray eyes that everyone always comments on. He's getting that mischievous toddler nature and will look back at me and giggle before he does something he's not supposed to.

Sam is trying to keep up with his big brother. He's confident in his walking, so he's speeding things up, which results in a lot of falling. But sometimes he's just standing there not moving at all and suddenly he'll be on the floor. I always say, "The Earth moved so he fell."

Sam's favorites right now include bananas, opening and closing the microwave, climbing the stairs, playing in the toy kitchen and reading Sandra Boynton books.

Sam is dancy! He flaps his chubby hands and moves his chubby feet along to the alphabet and counting songs that stream from his toys constantly. Even in the grocery store he'll bob up and down in the cart when he hears a song he likes. It's delightful, since Ben had absolutely no interest in dancing at this age. Sam and Avery will cut a rug together.

Sam is snuggly. Sometimes we'll be playing and he just comes up and gives me a hug. And when he's tired he pops his thumb into his mouth and lays his head on my shoulder.

Sam is independent. He wanders around the house and plays by himself like a champ. After SUPER-CLINGY-I-NEVER-WANT-TO-BE-AWAY-FROM-YOU Ben, it's a breath of fresh air. But if he hears the dishwasher open he comes runnin'.

Sam takes a while to warm up to new situations. He has to survey everything and get the lay of the land before he dives in.

Sam is smiley, silly, go-with-the-flow and happy. He'd fit right in at a Jimmy Buffet concert.