I'm feeling melancholy today. I think Ben turning 5 has affected me more than I thought it would. For some reason 5 must be a threshold in my mind. Even though Ben won't be in elementary school for another year, I feel like he's starting to float away from me. I also think about the fact that I read somewhere that kids' brains are like sponges until age 5. They soak up everything. And I just hope we exposed him to enough good things to soak up.
He's getting so big. Not just physically, but mentally. Sometimes the connections he makes and the insights he has astound me. "Where did he learn that?" I think. And then I realize he didn't learn it. He just thought it up. And that's so awesome, but today it's making me have a real "Where is the time going? It's happening way too fast" moment.
Sometimes I'll watch one of the kids as he's doing something really funny or very This Age. I'll try to memorize the lines of his body, the cadence of his laugh, the tilt of his head so I'll never forget it. But I know I will. I try to remember what Ben was like at Sam's age and it's hard. Hard to remember him then and hard to imagine him in the future.
So I take pictures and videos and try to post the funny moments on my blog so I can remember. I'm also trying very hard to live in the moment. But right now I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the task of Raising Good Human Beings. There are so many things to think about: good nutrition, teaching values, setting limits but not being too strict, not "being their friend" but still having fun with them, not spoiling, learning colors and letters and reading and chemistry, instilling gratitude and manners and helping them to appreciate art and science and beauty and life. It's so much. Sometimes I take it all in stride and I know that little by little, day by day, through my actions and words my kids will learn what I want them to learn. But right now it seems like an impossible task and there's a part of me that thinks I squandered those sponge-brain years with Ben and I'm definitely squandering them with Sam.
Well, I've just got to push through. One of the exhausting but sometimes liberating facts of parenthood is that it just keeps going, whether you're ready or overwhelmed or not.
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nostalgia. Show all posts
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Things I want to remember
-The way Ben fits perfectly in my lap right now. When I'm sitting cross legged he gets all snuggled up, keeping my legs and torso warm, and I can put my chin on his head while we read a book (or 50).
-Kneeling at the bottom of the slide, looking up at Ben as he grins madly in anticipation of the ride ahead.
-Ben carrying a tiny pumpkin around all afternoon at Heath's company picnic like it was the coolest thing EVER.
-When Ben wakes up from a nap I pick him up out of his crib and he lays his head on my shoulder. Then we just stand there for a moment, hugging each other.
-Every time we read The Big Red Barn and I get to the line "there was a pink pig who was learning to squeal" I tickle him on his sides and he giggles like crazy.
-Kneeling at the bottom of the slide, looking up at Ben as he grins madly in anticipation of the ride ahead.
-Ben carrying a tiny pumpkin around all afternoon at Heath's company picnic like it was the coolest thing EVER.
-When Ben wakes up from a nap I pick him up out of his crib and he lays his head on my shoulder. Then we just stand there for a moment, hugging each other.
-Every time we read The Big Red Barn and I get to the line "there was a pink pig who was learning to squeal" I tickle him on his sides and he giggles like crazy.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Memories... light the corners of my mind
I have very little recollection of our first few weeks at home with Ben. There were a lot of visitors, a lot of food and a lot of crying (by both Ben and me), but mostly what I remember is being in massive amounts of pain.
The strange thing is that I remember the hospital stay very clearly. Here are some of those memories (in mostly chronological order):
While I was in labor we had the TV on some news station for background noise (which we needed since, as Heath says, I would've passed the Scientology "silent birth" test). That was only days after John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, so that was all they were talking about. She will forever be associated with my first labor. And even though I had no intention of voting for them, I certainly wouldn't have after that!
At one point during labor I got really hot. Heath and Bekah alternated wetting wash cloths and putting them on my forehead, neck and chest. Heath was a very good coach and Bekah was a very good nurse.
Transition labor nearly killed me. I didn't realize that's what it was, I just thought the contractions were becoming brutal. It was at that point I asked for an epidural. However, by the time the anesthesiologist got there I was already pushing. She called into the room and my doctor yelled, "We're having a baby!"
I don't really remember seeing Ben for the first time. I was so relieved that it was over and so in awe that I'd done it. Unfortunately after giving birth I needed some serious stitches and I do remember that when I was holding Ben I didn't feel anything and when they took him away to weigh and measure him it was very uncomfortable.
When they took me to my postpartum room they took Ben to the nursery to clean him up and take some vitals. I remember feeling guilty because I didn't miss him. All I wanted to do was eat and watch TV and relax.
I remember that first night feeding him. He started crying afterward and I started to freak out because I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered that babies needed to be burped after they ate. I laid him against my shoulder, patted his back and he burped. Then he stopped crying and I felt the largest sense of accomplishment I think I've ever felt in my life. My baby was crying, I assessed the situation and I did the right thing! I am SUPERWOMAN!
I didn't sleep very much those two days and instead opened my eyes approximately every four seconds to check if Ben was still breathing.
It was so quiet on the postpartum floor, aside from the occasional baby crying.
The first night we spent in the hospital went like this: Ben would cry, Heath would bring him to me to feed him and then Heath would go back to sleep. However, I couldn't even get out of bed on my own, let alone holding a newborn, so I'd yell at Heath to wake up and put the baby back in the bassinet. But Heath is a very deep sleeper, so my yelling didn't wake him. I had to throw leftover Ranch packets at him to wake him up. The second night he put his cell phone on the bedside table and I actually had to CALL HIM from 4 feet away to wake him up.
My first shower after giving birth was the most satisfying shower of my life, even though it took twice the normal time.
Heath changed most of the diapers in the hospital. At one point he was out of the room and I was terrified to change one myself.
I remember feeling so inadequate when it came time to dress Ben in his going home outfit. I had never dressed an infant before and I was afraid of hurting him.
Ben cried at first when we put him in the car seat. As we drove home in the rain he fell asleep, but he woke up and cried every time we stopped for a stoplight.
That's where my memories end. I honestly have no recollection of what happened when we got home. It was so overwhelming and chaotic and I was so exhausted. Perhaps it's for the best that I don't remember.
The strange thing is that I remember the hospital stay very clearly. Here are some of those memories (in mostly chronological order):
While I was in labor we had the TV on some news station for background noise (which we needed since, as Heath says, I would've passed the Scientology "silent birth" test). That was only days after John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, so that was all they were talking about. She will forever be associated with my first labor. And even though I had no intention of voting for them, I certainly wouldn't have after that!
At one point during labor I got really hot. Heath and Bekah alternated wetting wash cloths and putting them on my forehead, neck and chest. Heath was a very good coach and Bekah was a very good nurse.
Transition labor nearly killed me. I didn't realize that's what it was, I just thought the contractions were becoming brutal. It was at that point I asked for an epidural. However, by the time the anesthesiologist got there I was already pushing. She called into the room and my doctor yelled, "We're having a baby!"
I don't really remember seeing Ben for the first time. I was so relieved that it was over and so in awe that I'd done it. Unfortunately after giving birth I needed some serious stitches and I do remember that when I was holding Ben I didn't feel anything and when they took him away to weigh and measure him it was very uncomfortable.
When they took me to my postpartum room they took Ben to the nursery to clean him up and take some vitals. I remember feeling guilty because I didn't miss him. All I wanted to do was eat and watch TV and relax.
I remember that first night feeding him. He started crying afterward and I started to freak out because I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered that babies needed to be burped after they ate. I laid him against my shoulder, patted his back and he burped. Then he stopped crying and I felt the largest sense of accomplishment I think I've ever felt in my life. My baby was crying, I assessed the situation and I did the right thing! I am SUPERWOMAN!
I didn't sleep very much those two days and instead opened my eyes approximately every four seconds to check if Ben was still breathing.
It was so quiet on the postpartum floor, aside from the occasional baby crying.
The first night we spent in the hospital went like this: Ben would cry, Heath would bring him to me to feed him and then Heath would go back to sleep. However, I couldn't even get out of bed on my own, let alone holding a newborn, so I'd yell at Heath to wake up and put the baby back in the bassinet. But Heath is a very deep sleeper, so my yelling didn't wake him. I had to throw leftover Ranch packets at him to wake him up. The second night he put his cell phone on the bedside table and I actually had to CALL HIM from 4 feet away to wake him up.
My first shower after giving birth was the most satisfying shower of my life, even though it took twice the normal time.
Heath changed most of the diapers in the hospital. At one point he was out of the room and I was terrified to change one myself.
I remember feeling so inadequate when it came time to dress Ben in his going home outfit. I had never dressed an infant before and I was afraid of hurting him.
Ben cried at first when we put him in the car seat. As we drove home in the rain he fell asleep, but he woke up and cried every time we stopped for a stoplight.
That's where my memories end. I honestly have no recollection of what happened when we got home. It was so overwhelming and chaotic and I was so exhausted. Perhaps it's for the best that I don't remember.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Our mothers keep us honest
My most recent post, Bink-ified, generated this comment from my mother, "I'm sorry my dear, but this one made me laugh out loud. You, of all people, raising a binky addict? Shocking! At least he can't be snotty with women at Target about it yet!"
The reason for the comment is that I used a binky until I was 5. Apparently it was quite difficult* to break me of that habit. However, it did lead to the following anecdote, which my grandmother delights in telling anyone who will listen:
When I was 4 or 5 my grandmother had taken me to Target and of course I had my trusty binky. We were walking along and suddenly an old woman said to me, "You're too old for a pacifier." Apparently I looked at her, took the binky out of my mouth and very indignantly said, "I need it." Then I popped it back in. My grandmother said she never worried about me after that because she knew I could take care of myself.
Hopefully Ben won't have the binky that long, but it would be funny to see him tell off an old lady.
*My parents and grandparents may disagree with that wording and have something more colorful to substitute.
The reason for the comment is that I used a binky until I was 5. Apparently it was quite difficult* to break me of that habit. However, it did lead to the following anecdote, which my grandmother delights in telling anyone who will listen:
When I was 4 or 5 my grandmother had taken me to Target and of course I had my trusty binky. We were walking along and suddenly an old woman said to me, "You're too old for a pacifier." Apparently I looked at her, took the binky out of my mouth and very indignantly said, "I need it." Then I popped it back in. My grandmother said she never worried about me after that because she knew I could take care of myself.
Hopefully Ben won't have the binky that long, but it would be funny to see him tell off an old lady.
*My parents and grandparents may disagree with that wording and have something more colorful to substitute.
Monday, March 30, 2009
What's in a name?
This weekend we moved around a lot of furniture in an attempt to baby-proof the house. I have a feeling it's an ultimately futile gesture, as Ben will probably find the one thing we didn't think of and topple it onto his head, but c'est la vie.
This included getting rid of an old bookcase from our room and transferring the books onto two smaller bookcases in the guest room, which I did this morning. One of those books was one I got when I was probably 12. It's called What's Your Name? A guide to first names and what they mean. I got it to use as a generator for character names in my stories and I noticed that I'd gone through and highlighted all the names I liked. Just out of curiosity I turned to the section of boy's names starting with B. To my surprise, I had highlighted "Benjamin."
This included getting rid of an old bookcase from our room and transferring the books onto two smaller bookcases in the guest room, which I did this morning. One of those books was one I got when I was probably 12. It's called What's Your Name? A guide to first names and what they mean. I got it to use as a generator for character names in my stories and I noticed that I'd gone through and highlighted all the names I liked. Just out of curiosity I turned to the section of boy's names starting with B. To my surprise, I had highlighted "Benjamin."
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The more things change, the more they stay the same
When I was a kid we went up to Minnesota and Wisconsin a lot, to visit family. One of the things my brothers and I dreaded was driving through Madison, WI. My parents went to the university there, so every time we visited we were treated to a narrated tour featuring all their Significant Spots. This was where they worked, that was where they lived after they got married. Oh! That pizza shop used to be a bar! As my parents re-lived their youth we kids whined from the backseat, "This is boooooooooring."
Yesterday, on our way home from Kansas City we stopped in Columbia, MO to visit Ben's Uncle Todd and his girlfriend Jessie. As we drove through town to their apartment I heard from the backseat, "Ben, there's Engineering West! Daddy spent a lot of time there in college. And there's where we saw Lighting Man*!" I had to laugh, because it was an exact replica of my own childhood. Ben's not yet old enough to protest in words, but I'm sure his fussing meant, "This is boooooooooring."
*A mythic figure in Heath and his roommates' college lives.
Yesterday, on our way home from Kansas City we stopped in Columbia, MO to visit Ben's Uncle Todd and his girlfriend Jessie. As we drove through town to their apartment I heard from the backseat, "Ben, there's Engineering West! Daddy spent a lot of time there in college. And there's where we saw Lighting Man*!" I had to laugh, because it was an exact replica of my own childhood. Ben's not yet old enough to protest in words, but I'm sure his fussing meant, "This is boooooooooring."
*A mythic figure in Heath and his roommates' college lives.
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