Guilt

As a parent, guilt is an emotion you have to get up close and personal with. Even as a stay-at-home mom I experience guilt. But it's hard not to when the Ideal Parent these days is fun! and engaging and always finds those "teachable moments" while never raising their voice and taking the kids on exciting field trips and packing nutritious lunches with no added sugar and doing crafts and baking projects all while creating amazing dinners and decorating the baby's nursery with cute items found antiquing. There's no room in there for frustration or drive-thru McDonald's or wanting time for yourself.

The biggest guilt-inducer for me is Having Two Kids. When it was only Ben and me I could focus on him and I felt like we really connected. For the past 16 months my attention has always been divided and I feel like I'm not really seeing either kid. I'm half listening to Ben chatter while I try to coax Sam to eat something. I'm saying, "I'll read that to you in a minute, Sam," as I help Ben kill goombas and turtles in Mario Brothers. Even though we're together almost ALL THE TIME, I don't feel like I have enough time for either of them. With Sam it's a little better, because Ben's at school three mornings a week, so we have that time, but there's almost no time when it's just Ben and me. After Ben's quiet time Sam is usually still napping, so that would be  the perfect time for us to have... But honestly by mid-afternoon I'm wiped and I hate to admit it, but more often than not Ben spends that time playing video games or watching TV, so I can have some peace and relative quiet.

The other big guilt-fest is that Sam isn't having the same kind of very early childhood that Ben did. When Ben was a toddler he didn't have sugar until after he was one, he had age-appropriate, educational toys everywhere he looked and he never really watched TV until he was a year and a half and even then it was only PBS, strictly 30-60 minutes per day, no more! Ben had my full attention and we went out to new and different places almost every day.

Sam's been watching SpongeBob SquarePants since before he could crawl, he had cake and ice cream and french fries, all way before his first birthday and right now one of his favorite things is to carry around the Nerf gun and have you shoot darts at the window for him.

He and Ben were born into different circumstances and they're not the same person and they don't need to be treated the same way, necessarily, either. But it's hard not to think that I'm disadvantaging Sam somehow by not providing him the same things Ben had. But I can't provide him a first-child existence, so I should just stop worrying about it, right? Well, I'll let you know how that goes.

Quotable Ben

When asked how school was, Ben replied,


"Thomas and I were on the playground talking about how everyone's stupid except the boys."

Pictures

 I love the look on his face.

At the Magic House for Noontime New Year's Eve. 

We all promptly got the stomach flu after this. Happy New Year!

 One stop on our trip to Phoenix.

 At the ghost town near Phoenix.

He stayed outside in the snow fewer than five minutes. 

Not a fan of being cold.

The State of Ben (at 4.5 years)

Ben is discovery. A few weeks ago he was painting while I washed dishes and all of a sudden he exclaimed, "Mom! Come look at this!" I went over and he said, "When I mixed red and yellow it made ORANGE!" He was so in awe and proud of that discovery that it was impossible for me not to share his excitement. He stumbled upon this essential fact of life and he UNDERSTOOD that it was important. It was amazing to witness that moment.

Ben is sweet. A couple months ago we were talking about sign language and I showed Ben the sign for "I love you." So now, randomly, he'll call out, "Mom!" Then he'll show me that sign.

Ben is jealous. Because Ben goes to preschool three days a week I have a fair amount of time alone with Sam and not much time alone with Ben. And since Ben can accomplish most simple tasks on his own I have to help Sam more than him. It's not going unnoticed. There's a certain amount of "You're a big boy and Sam's still little. He can't do things on his own like you can," that calms Ben, but after a while that just doesn't cut it. That's when Ben starts grunting and making noises instead of words and crawling on the floor. I've recently started making more of an effort to have Ben and Mommy time.

Ben is obsessed. I have this habit of becoming obsessed with media. Books, movies, music, games... At one point I've been obsessed with all of them. Ben seems to have inherited that trait, though only for games so far. First it was Angry Birds, then Plants vs. Zombies, then watching Heath play Portal. Now he's OBSESSED with playing Super Mario Brothers Wii. This makes Heath very happy.

Ben is fun. He's finally to an age where we can start doing things fun for kids and adults. Heath has taken him golfing and indoor rock climbing. I've taken him to movies and musicals and the art museum. He can ride some roller coasters and bigger rides. He's almost to an age where we can start playing better board games. I can't wait until all four of us can genuinely enjoy activities together.

Christmas Pictures (Yes, I realize it's late February)

I knew Sam would freak out, so I didn't even try.

He wears this shirt constantly. 

I hope he's always so excited when I buy him shoes. 

The State of Sam (at 15 months)

Height: 32.5 in. - 95th percentile
Weight: 26 lbs. 8 oz. - 95th percentile
Head circumference: 47.5 cm - 75th percentile

Sam is all floaty blond hair and blue-gray eyes that everyone always comments on. He's getting that mischievous toddler nature and will look back at me and giggle before he does something he's not supposed to.

Sam is trying to keep up with his big brother. He's confident in his walking, so he's speeding things up, which results in a lot of falling. But sometimes he's just standing there not moving at all and suddenly he'll be on the floor. I always say, "The Earth moved so he fell."

Sam's favorites right now include bananas, opening and closing the microwave, climbing the stairs, playing in the toy kitchen and reading Sandra Boynton books.

Sam is dancy! He flaps his chubby hands and moves his chubby feet along to the alphabet and counting songs that stream from his toys constantly. Even in the grocery store he'll bob up and down in the cart when he hears a song he likes. It's delightful, since Ben had absolutely no interest in dancing at this age. Sam and Avery will cut a rug together.

Sam is snuggly. Sometimes we'll be playing and he just comes up and gives me a hug. And when he's tired he pops his thumb into his mouth and lays his head on my shoulder.

Sam is independent. He wanders around the house and plays by himself like a champ. After SUPER-CLINGY-I-NEVER-WANT-TO-BE-AWAY-FROM-YOU Ben, it's a breath of fresh air. But if he hears the dishwasher open he comes runnin'.

Sam takes a while to warm up to new situations. He has to survey everything and get the lay of the land before he dives in.

Sam is smiley, silly, go-with-the-flow and happy. He'd fit right in at a Jimmy Buffet concert.

Communication 101

One of the hard things about caring for a baby is not being able to communicate in any significant way. The only way for him to get his point across is crying, which is super annoying for the parents. Now that Sam's a full-fledged toddler we're making some strides in that department. He's to the point where he understands a lot of what we say. So if I say "milk" he looks at the refrigerator and if I say, "Do you want to turn the light on?" (one of his favorite activities at the moment) he looks at the light switch. Sometimes if I ask him to do something ("Come here," "Hand me the fork," "STOP!") he'll even do it. It's awesome!

He's not talking yet, though he's starting to parrot some of the sounds I make. The first I noticed was "All done!" He says something that sounds remarkably like it (to me), but there's no meaning behind it yet. He says it all the time, even when he's obviously not "all done." But even without real words, he's definitely communicating. He'll grunt and point at the bananas when he wants one (which is all the time), he'll try to lunge from my arms when he wants to get down, he'll stand by my legs and lift his arms when he wants to get up. Again, it's awesome.

We're also to that less-awesome toddler stage of EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE ON THE FLOOR NOW! Drawers and shelves aren't safe. Not that we have much of anything on shelves anymore. The lone surviving bookshelf in the house is in our bedroom and I have to monitor it very closely when Sam's in the room. I said, "Those are Mommy's books. Mommy's books stay on the shelf." about 1,000 times this morning while I was getting dressed. And since I still can't trust Sam in the house by himself while I shower he pulls every last towel off the shelf in the bathroom EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The good thing with second kids is that you have concrete evidence that it's just a phase. Ben doesn't pull my nicely folded towels off the shelf anymore. He can even put books BACK onto shelves now (though ability has no connection to willingness). It's still not fun to put towels away after every shower, but I can breathe and know that eventually it will end.

Brothers

They say you have your first child for yourself and your second child for your first child. In a way I think that's totally true and watching Ben and Sam's relationship blossom has been really fun.

Unfortunately for Ben, right now Sam's not the best playmate. We call him Wreck-It Sam because while Ben loves to build, Sam currently loves to knock things down. Sometimes that's ok, because Ben will build towers specifically for Sam to knock over. But, of course, sometimes Ben's really into building a rocket out of Duplos or constructing a train track and Sam, the tornado of destruction, comes through and destroys everything. Ben's not so happy at those moments and I don't blame him... But there's a small part of me that gets schadenfreude from it because that's exactly what it was like when Ben came into our lives. I don't even remember what it's like to have bookcases or shelves full of things I enjoy. It will still be YEARS before I feel comfortable having our (rather extensive) game collection within easy reach. So I don't feel too bad for Ben when Sam wrecks his creations, especially when I've told him REPEATEDLY if he wants Sam to stay away from it he needs to do it in his room or at the table.

Ok, I'm getting off-topic... I think in a year or two, once Sam can really run and is actually able to participate in building AND destroying, he and Ben are going to have a lot of fun. But I'm so impressed with how good Ben is with Sam already. Yes, there is toy stealing and pushing and yelling sometimes. But there's also lots of hugging and kissing and snack sharing. This morning Ben heard Sam waking up and while I was in the bathroom he went into Sam's room of his own volition and was giving Sam toys in his crib. He protects Sam from other kids and tries to include him in games at home. It's really sweet.

I find having two kids this young very hard sometimes (most of the time), but I'm glad they have each other.

Scorecard

It's been a hard winter in the Borders household, sickness-wise. It seems like every week or two we're getting hit with something new. Here's how it stands since October:

Ear Infections - 3: Ben (2), Sam (1)
Hand-foot-mouth virus - 3: Ben, Sam, Heath
Pink eye - 1: Ben
Various colds - 4+: Everyone, especially Heath, who had a cold for what seemed like a month.
Stomach flu - 3: Me, Sam, Ben

Heath also switched jobs in the midst of all that, so that brought stress of its own. We're all healthy right now, but the boys and I are headed down to Phoenix next Thursday to visit my parents, brother and sister-in-law, so I'm sure some new, horrible ailment will turn up before then.

Luckily, so far Heath and I have managed not to be sick at the same time. However, that does mean that we're both pretty exhausted. In March we're going to Florida with Heath's family and that should be lovely. A week of lazy days laying on the beach with lots of people around to watch my kids. Perfect.

Walkin' man

Sam is very slowly starting to realize that getting on the floor, crawling to his destination and then standing up again isn't the most efficient mode of locomotion. So he's been dabbling in the arena of walking. But, since it's Sam, he has to do it his own way. About half the time he's walking he walks sideways. I assume it's because when cruising around he walks sideways, holding onto a table or couch. He does walk forward, as well, but a lot of the time he shuffles sideways.

Of course there's still much falling which means Sam gets to practice being DRAMA QUEEN EXTRAORDINAIRE! Every little bump or plop requires crying and whining and thumb sucking. But he's getting better. It's strange to have someone only two and a half feet tall walking around the house. He's up to about a 50-50 split on crawling and walking. His newest discovery is that if he's walking he can HOLD SOMETHING while he moves. Awesome!

So we're getting there. Soon he'll be walking all the time. It will mean I'll lose my Mommy Biceps (which are nicely defined from carrying around 25 pounds all day long), but I can handle that if it means my back and shoulders and knees get a break. We're inching toward full-blown toddler-hood!