All Hallows Eve Eve

Scene: Ben is carrying around a bag of books, pretending to be a zombie.

Ben: There's a zombie world.

Me: Ok.

Ben: In the zombie world there's a zombie librarian who brings books to everybody so they'll have a book to read while they eat brains.

At least that's settled.

Scene: We're driving in our town past one of the several colleges.

Ben: What's that building?

Me: It's a college.

Ben: When do you go to college?

Me: After high school you can go to college.

Ben: Why?

Me: You can study a specific subject and then get a job.

Ben: Will I be big?

Me: Yes.

Ben: And then I won't need you anymore!

Me: ... Yes. [Heart breaking.]

Ben: Then I can make my own breakfast.

Me: Yes.

Ben: They won't have a microwave at college so I'll have Cheerio's.

Me: They have microwaves at college.

Ben: Oh. Then I'll have oatmeal.

Hearing check on aisle two!

Scene: I'm encouraging Ben to get dressed and he's naked, messing around with random stuff.

Me: We can't go to the zoo if you're naked.

Ben: Why?

Me: It's illegal.

Ben: A silly eagle?

Me: ILLEGAL.

Ben: An ill eagle?

Me: Il-leagl.

Ben: Ha! I thought you said "eagle."

He's discovered the question, "Why?"

Scene: Ben is getting dressed.

Ben: I'm wearing pants today.

Me: No, you need to wear shorts.

Ben: Why?

Me: Because it's hot out.

Ben: Why?

Me: Why what?

Ben: Why is it hot out?

Me: Because it's summer.

Ben: Why?

Me: Why is it summer?

Ben nods. I sigh.

Me: Because at this time of year our side of the planet is tilted toward the sun and the sun is very hot so it makes our area hot.

Ben: Ok.

Ben puts on shorts.

I do not think it means what you think it means

Scene: For some reason Ben thinks the Nike swoosh symbol means "power." He went to put on his dark coat.

Ben: This is my black power coat.

Such a sucker

Ben: Can I watch Backyardigans?

Heath: No.

Ben: But if you don't let me watch I'll be sad. If you do let me watch I'll be happy.

Me: Ben, that's emotional blackmail.

Heath: Ben, you made a reasoned argument without whining. You can watch Backyardigans.

Oops

Scene: Ben is trying to build a train track out into the air without supports. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work.

Ben: My track fell apart! That was crappy.

Me: What?!

He's soooo Heath's son

Scene: Ben and I are watching PBS Kids and they mention "picnics."

Me: When it gets warmer we can start having picnics again.

Ben: With our friends?

Me: Yeah!

Ben: I have picnics with people at my work.

Me: Where do you work?

(Pause)

Ben: At the Apple store.

You should see the cougar!

Scene: Ben noticed the long, purple stretch marks that now cover my stomach from hip to hip.

Ben: Those are claw marks!

Conversations with a Preschooler

Scene: We're driving down a crowded, commercial street and we pass a Taco Bell.

Ben: That's where we buy bells!